Better Late Than Never

Top Ten Resolutions Even I Can Keep

10. Stay out of the gym during the month of January. There will be 1,003 people there who think they can go 9 miles per hour on the treadmill because they saw some yahoo on Biggest Loser do it, and they're sure it's not that hard. Get off before you hurt yourself.

9. Refuse to do any more stupid people tricks. I entered some ridiculous 50,000-words-in-a-month novel writing contest in November. First of all, I don't have 50,000 words I can put in an understandable sequence in a month. Second of all, don't you people have lives? Moby Dick is already taken.

8. Do not buy one more appealing paperback book until I have finished one of the seven appealing paperbacks on my bedside table. I don't care if it's got Oprah, Michelle Obama, Ellen DeGeneres, Mackenzie Phillips, and Snoopy all on the cover, I'm not buying.

7. I am not going to pay more to check my underwear on a flight than I pay to check my whole person. Do you hear me? I'll take a cab to Mazatlan, I swear.

6. Insist that wait staff at restaurants learn the soup of the day before they approach my table. True story... recent outing to a restaurant in the Legends; asked the waitress what the soup was; she replied, "umm, something with chicken in it, I can't remember the name." Oh, that narrows it down.

5. Put my Christmas cactus in the closet so it blooms on Christmas instead of November 19th. Oh, for the love of penguins, does this mean Al Gore was right?

4. Use the word "Shankapotomus" more. Seriously, try it. "Catapotomus, Dorkapotomus, Freakapotomus," isn't that fun?

3. Watch more prime-time television. Really. I'm the only one I know who can't keep up at a cocktail party because I have no idea why Madmen aren't sitting on the laps of Desperate Housewives.

2. Figure out why they put braille lettering on the ATMs in the drive-up lane.

1. Go to the gym in February.

Anne and Norbert Plus 2

Anne and Norbert Plus 2

What is it that the TLC Channel is trying to tell me? Kate minus Jon plus eight equals chaos. Michelle plus Jim Bob plus another 18 kids and a grandchild equals the biggest dang house in Arkansas. Here's what they are trying to tell me... "If you want to have a TV show, you must have at least four times as many children as adults in the house."

Call me crazy, but I kind of have trouble keeping track of just two kids every now and then, and that's with two adults in our house. What I do know is that, as Hillary said, it does take a village to raise children. And, in my current stage of life, it takes a village and a bunch of people with unique skills to help me take care of my kids, my husband, my house, two dogs, my dad, my dad's business, and my dad's house.

I marvel at Kate's ability to cook for eight kids, I am in awe of the conservative values instilled in the Duggar family with little TV watching and even less internet exposure. But, I really need help understanding the logistics of it all. How many boxes of macaroni and cheese does it take to keep the Gosselins fed for a month? How many soccer socks will the kids go through and will they all be the same color? Where do the Duggars get enough poster boards for the science projects? Oh, never mind that one, they are home schooled! How? How in the world can Michelle be breast-feeding one while diapering another while educating fourteen while cooking dinner and doing the breakfast dishes? And, let's just talk about transportation for a minute. I don't think my Leawood homes association allows for a "rock star" style, 18-wheeler bus to be parked in the driveway for long. State Line at rush hour is not ready for that block-long, gas-guzzling spectacle!

Do Kate and Michelle have aging parents? Do they have aging parents who came on the wrong night for dinner? Do they have aging parents with two sewer drains backed up in the basement of their 90 year-old house? My village includes Roto-Rooter.

My village also includes a complement of friends who are at the ready whenever I call. They are the real heroes of my made-for-TV drama... as are: Jiffy Lube, Costco, the neighbor who mows the lawn, dozens of faculty and staff at school, Beauty Brands, Hen House, Facebook, and the Pizza Hut delivery guy, just to name a few.

My point is that none of us can do it alone. It is so critical to have our friends, family, neighbors, and even complete strangers who help us through the day. And, would I take a TV show if it were offered to my measly family of four? Nah. I don't have a wardrobe or haircut as cute as Kate's, and besides that we only have one washer and dryer and one box of mac-n-cheese in the cabinet. We'd never qualify.

(first appeared in Leawood Lifestyle, Dec. '09)