Post-Summer 2010

It's not yet September 21st, but I'm celebrating summer being over. It's not December 31st, but I'm celebrating New Year's as only I can when it's 93 degrees in the shade of my polka-dot umbrella. Thank Someone that this god-awful summer is over... according to me.

My dream last night was that I was telling my mom that my dad was still alive, while realizing in my dream that my mom wasn't alive to be telling the story to. I couldn't convince her or me that he really was there. I skipped to another scenario of traveling with Nick and our remaining dog and losing said dog. I asked Nick where she was, and he replied that he had left her and her red wagon right there... pointing to an obscure part of pavement in a parking lot. I awoke to my own voice calling the dog's name, and her standing by my real bed in my real room looking at me as if to say, "I'm right here! What's the problem?"

I guess that's what you get when you lose your dad three and a half years after your mom, and then lose your dog (not euphemistically) three weeks after your dad.

Throw in a birthday party turned "celebration of life" and a trip to Scotland shepherding teenagers immediately following the birthday/celebration/ceremony, and you come up with a completely exhausted, confused, sad, neurotic, slightly funny at times, middle aged woman with decades of weird dreams to come.

My orphanhood has been a long time coming. Now that it's here, I feel 18 and 60 years old at the same time. "I can't be the only adult... I can't be old enough to have children... I've already been through two sessions of role reversals with my parents that aged me..." Being an only child sucks at this juncture in life. And, I know all my multi-sibling friends are guffawing right now, but really it is lonely. I wish I had listened better to all of the stories.

I want a cocktail/nap/jello shot/vacation/good cry/big snow/and no holidays.